Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Jesus' Match.com Profile

Hey Ladies, I’m the answer to your prayers…literally!

I am:
Man Son of GodSeeking: WomanBetween ages: 19-23

About Me:
First name:


Last name:

Middle initial:

Middle Eastern

Aramaic, Hebrew, Elvish (hey, we imaginary critters need to stick together!)

Body type:

A few extra pounds (after the resurrection, it was pretty much all down hill)

5'4" (Napoleon complex? Ha! Try God complex!)

Formerly Jewish (recently converted to Scientology)

Body art:

Exercise Exorcise habits:
3-4 demons per week (usually into a nearby herd of pigs)

Daily diet:
Loaves and fish

Social drinker, mostly at weddings

The chronic (you didn't really think I was not stoned when I came up with all those awesome parables, did you?)


Going for walks (on water!), showing off my totally ripped abs while hanging on crucifixes, and being thanked by gangsta-rappers at music awards.

Favourite Movies:
The Big Lebowski (No one fucks with the...you know the rest.)

Carpenter, the Alpha and Omega, part-time White-house advisor for President Bush

Living Situation:With roommates (St Peter, Moses, and my pet lama, Mr. Diddles)

Something you don’t know about me:
The ‘H’ in my name stands for ‘Henry’.

What I’m Looking For:
After my short stint in rehab, I’m finally off the painkillers and ready to settle down with that special someone. What am I looking for? Well, the last woman I dated turned out to be a prostitute (Nice try Ms. Magdalene, but just because my step-dad believed my mom's virgin pregnancy story doesn't mean I was going to fall for that shit!), so I wouldn’t say the bar is exactly high. I just want a woman who is confident, mature, independent, and open-minded sexually. Between answering thousands of prayers, managing my step-dad’s furniture store, and working alongside President Bush to make the world a full colour-value safer, I’m really quite busy. But I also know that all work and no play makes JC a dull deity. Consequently, I’m looking for someone fun and adventurous who could add a little spice to my life. And to Gabriel and the other playa-hating angels who said JC has no game, all I have to say is: yes, my milkshake is better than yours!