Monday, January 01, 2007

Happy New Year!

Once again I am sending you New Years greetings from Britain's own third-world country, Scotland. (I’ve lived here long enough to get past the initial novelty inspired ‘ooh, ahhh’ phase, and I've finally settled into the calm cynicism that comes from living in any country for a lengthy period of time.) As many of you already know, at the beginning of each year I typically send out a New Years greeting. As always, I have a list of lessons I've learned from the year gone by, which I offer to you now free of charge (though generous donations are encouraged).

I've learned that when you’re in a foreign country it is always the little things that get you, like the missing ‘American Standard’ label on the toilet tank.

I've learned that when it comes to politics, the facts tends to exceed the American public's curiosity, and that while everyone loves a good Armageddon now and then, the rapture just isn't an exit strategy.

I've learned that after a breakup, most women expect from you at least two weeks of depression before you hook up with someone new, though they also consider going into counselling and lifelong celibacy nice gestures.

I've learned that chances are she's just not that into you when you're talking to her on the phone and she says she has to go because there’s a telemarketer on the other line.

I've learned that Christmas just isn't as Christmasy when you're away from your family. (Though I suppose it couldn't be worse than opening presents on Christmas morning two thousand years ago, at Jesus's house: “a pair of socks, thanks…you know I’m dying for your sins right?”)

I've learned that young people today have just as many problems as adults. For example, last week I was having a conversation with a group of high school students, and one girl was like, “I'm like so glad I got my period because I was like so not ready to like have Bobby's abortion”, and then this other girl was all, “that would like totally suck, because Bobby's like a total douche!” and I was all, “whatever!”

I've learned that you know you're getting old when you begin using expressions like 'young people today'.

Last, but not least, I've learned that it is always a good idea to keep your friends and loved ones close by, especially when you foresee needing to borrow money in the near future. It is for this reason that, this year, I aim to be the kind of friend that is always there when he needs you.

All the best for 2007!!

P.S.: All checks should be made out to the “Give Avery money because he's such a wonderful person foundation”. (Or, to translate for the benefit of my new high school friends, “like totally, likety like like bff imho brb lmao totally whatever!”)